Waste not, want more

No variations on a theme.

Conversational Regret

I always feel as though I have 32 things on my mind. Today is no different, but today I want to write about it, or express a bit about some of those things, big and small that are occupying brain matter. I am weighed down by thoughts, the desire to act and the inability to move. I’ve also been trying to catch up on my blog reading and realize I can’t do that AND be “practically perfect in every way” (who does Mary Poppins think she is anyway?).

  • Old great friends that I miss and new great friends that I’ve failed to make. Potential/existing great friends that I am terrible at making time for. At times I dream of a “Friends” life of codependency with roommates and neighbours making up 90% of my social circle. Breaking barriers of the spatial kind.
  • Conversations I’ve found myself in where I don’t know how to try and change people’s minds, not allow things to go on, or at least present others with arguments or thoughts it would appear they’ve never heard, such as thoughts that counselors are not just social replacements for people who are sad.
  • The line between “clinical” anxiety and feelings of being unwell, how we deal with these, how we can help with either, and how little we know and understand.
  • Feats of great accomplishment, like watching a family member finally claim her PhD, are overwhelming experiences for me. I am humbled by people’s achievements and their ability to work so doggedly at this thing called life. Meanwhile, I eat popcorn and stare at the wall.
  • Step 3 in the great homeownership push is overdue. Pictures, paint fixing, cleaning and re-arranging are very much in order. Hey Rose, let’s find the balance between staring at the wall and a full body cast.
  • Recognizing my limits and not limiting myself has proven to be a very tricky thing in life. Casting aside my past refusals to set resolutions, I suspect there will be some attainable but scary goals set for 2012.
  • Hoping to do extensive interviewing with my mom and aunt for a future writing project. The writing may not come for a while, but death, disability or moves to Mars might. There’s no time like the holiday season?! Am I pilfering my chance for rest and relaxation?
  • The conspiracy of dust gets me down some days. Other days I think, “go dust! Despite your stature and failure to garner respect, you mound and gather in remarkable ways.”
  • Finding ways to learn more about and be involved in forum theatre would be awesome. I hope to begin the search soon and in earnest. I hope to do so in some way other than my usual way, which is to find some formalized course to learn about the matter and then get carried on by life, adding it to a list of things I find interesting, like growing tomatoes and world peace.
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November 12, 2011 - Posted by | Bad TV References, Community, Self-reflection | , , , , ,

10 Comments »

  1. Several things:
    –LOVE the title.
    –LOVE the conspiracy of dust. Damn dust!
    –LOVE this post, as I can relate all toooooooo well!
    Hope you’re having a great weekend, my friend!
    Kathy

    Comment by Kathryn McCullough | November 13, 2011 | Reply

  2. Funny, I forgot to change the title from an earlier draft, but I suppose it works. Thanks so much, though I wish you couldn’t relate to it quite as well ;). I’ve had a little too much fun this weekend. Wish me luck today.

    Comment by Rose | November 13, 2011 | Reply

  3. Shockingly, I have many responses to your multiple points. 60% of these responses are thoughtful.

    I’m sensing a theme of achievement – I’m sure there’s a better word, but I’ll just be simplistic and brutish. I think that I also, at times, feel a similar unease. In fact, this summer, I created a list of goals in order to be one of those people who seem to be in the world having these experiences and achievements. Then I really thought about what has worked for me in the past and what I would like my life to look like today. And it didn’t match the goals I had set for myself. For one thing, too much social requirements. Oh my god, I couldn’t handle being in the world that much.

    Then I thought, I’d really like my day to be partly spent “eat[ing] popcorn and star[ing] at the wall”. Except, I’m eating cheese in my scenario. But not really staring at the wall, right? It’s walking and thinking and bike riding and cheese eating and then thinking about cheese and then googling how to make my own cheese and then maybe making my own cheese but then maybe not.

    I have a very good friend is seems to be “wired” in that achievement way. In fact, she’s pursuing med school next year (in her mid 30s) after a very successful teaching career and before that a successful biology career. She’s super social and usually has about 3 social activities on a typical day off. But she also feels uneasy. She struggles to be content and, for lack of a better expression, sit still. I envy her sometimes, but for the most part she has made me realize that thinking about cheese (but also social justice, literature, the clinical definition of anxiety, and other philosophical topics) also has an inherent value. And that there is a need for those of us who need the space to do that.

    I’ve been doing some reading around the physicality of life especially in terms of work and cycles of life. I think sometimes our job is simple to really define the wall colour and taste of popcorn. Or simply binge on the popcorn because it’s fun. Or not fun, but a really great way to express existential angst. Dust is totally existential too. Hello, it’s just dead parts of you! (And also your spouse – you’re dying together!).

    Oh my god, I wrote too much again. I have a ton to say about anxiety but will not do so here! Instead, I’ll just head over to my couch and worry about it.

    Thanks – that was really interesting to read today!

    Comment by CheyenneVyvyan | November 13, 2011 | Reply

    • How about achievement unease? I think ensuring that goals actually match values and what you enjoy about life too. How others can flit about satisfied – though I realize there are many who appear satisfied, but aren’t, there are also many who at least claim to be satisfied – is beyond me. I completely agree with the value of “idleness”, but take issue with just how much of my life is for me given how much there is to be done for others and the community, etc. Much as I would like not to compare, I am probably also too aware now of too many people doing amazing things, which to some extent feeds my belief of a “new normal”.

      One day, I hope to hear what you have to say about anxiety.

      Comment by Rose | November 13, 2011 | Reply

  4. Such deep thoughts on a weekend!
    – I’ve been struggling with wanting to catch up on everything/everyone I missed this summer but also feeling like I just want to curl into a ball and sleep for 6 months. Part of me wants to be surrounded by friends and social activities all the time, but most of me just wants my friends to be okay with the less social side of myself. 🙂
    – The line between “clinical” anxiety and general sadness/malaise seems to become particularly hazy whilst pursuing higher education. Perhaps this has even been confirmed in a published study somewhere.
    – I’m excited to hear your resolutions…. or at least some of them… if you decide to share them
    – Huzzah for future writing projects
    – Dust is the bane of my existence

    Comment by Dana | November 13, 2011 | Reply

    • Consider this friend okay with the less social side of yourself. You’ve put it perfectly and I understand about as well as I can. Higher education, probably like other things in life, can make this tricky. I’ll think about how I want to deal with the goals/resolutions and keep you posted. Thanks for your support!

      Comment by Rose | November 13, 2011 | Reply

  5. Rose,

    You are being way to hard on yourself. Perfectionism is not worth it, because it eats away at just living. (I’ve learned this the hard way) Sometimes taking thing slowly is the way you have to go. I could probably ramble on about each point, but I just want to say that things will work out and you will achieve all your dreams.

    As for the forum theater stuff, however, I may be able to help you out there. I do a lot of work with Theater for Social change and forum theater etc. Send me an e-mail with some details of where you are and what you want and I’ll see if I can hook you up. womanwieldswords at gmail dot com

    Lisa

    Comment by Lisa Wields Words | November 14, 2011 | Reply

    • Lisa – I remember when I found out that I was “Thursday’s child”, I was hit by a sense of knowing, that life might get a little more difficult, complex and unclear than it was at the age of 6 or so. I’m going to have to work some to get out of my accomplishment is the number of things checked off your list mentality (but I find it so affirming to cross things out)! I’ve always been convinced that death, disability or bitterness will cut me short, which probably contributes to my sense of time passing. And thanks for the offer. I will be in touch.

      You have managed to make me feel better – thank you.

      Comment by Rose | November 14, 2011 | Reply

  6. I just love you. No major paragraph for this girl.

    Comment by Katie Chipman | November 16, 2011 | Reply

  7. […] my epitaph when I was 13: Rose’s toes over there and her nose this way goes). I mentioned in my last post that I intend to work in some time over the holidays to interview my mom and aunt for a writing […]

    Pingback by Strategic Plotting « Waste not, want more | November 16, 2011 | Reply


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