Waste not, want more

No variations on a theme.

Not quite speechless

I wanted to capture this. This moment. This confusion. The pounding, shaking, reverberating pulse of my body. The sense of impending tears. The excitement,  anxiety and fatigue all culminating in this mass of jello on this god-forsaken doctor’s office chair. My outward battle has not been particularly violent, but the inward battle has been protracted, painful, bloody and probably, in all seriousness, taken years off my ticker.

I’m wide-eyed. Trying to make lists and pretend that life is normal. Then making fun of myself inwardly for thinking even for a moment that life might be less than normal. People end things every day.

Today I point heartily at the mean one, the self-critic that has her place but is a little too comfortable at centre stage. Let others take the role for a change. I point at her, I call her out and I tell her to shut up. It feels good.

I will damn well celebrate because I feel like it. The day is mine, the week really, as I’m actually not done. I have not sorted out that whole war, poverty, hunger thing; cured cancer or developed the newest

I happily think of my dad today. I know that he never would have guessed. I know he would cry. I don’t find my accomplishments amazing. But I know my biased father would have. I know that I come by my crying honestly. Today I’ll let that ride.

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December 9, 2011 - Posted by | Law, Self-reflection | , ,

11 Comments »

  1. This is lovely, Rose, in the best way possible – the messy way.

    It’s strange how these type of things bring back lost parents in rather unexpected ways. There is a real substance when you imagine their response to your current accomplishments. I would never have guessed this before.

    Congratulations. I’m glad that they let a nice person graduate from law school ; )

    Comment by CheyenneVyvyan | December 9, 2011 | Reply

    • It is strange. I honestly haven’t thought about it that often, but it’s occurred to me lately and it’s a nice way to still connect with them though they’re not around.

      The nice is just a facade 😉

      Comment by Rose | December 11, 2011 | Reply

  2. Gorgeous post, Rose– so full of emotions! I think your accomplishments are amazing, too. That self-critic doesn’t know what she’s talking about– try not to listen to her! 🙂

    Comment by Dana | December 9, 2011 | Reply

    • That’s the tough part, I feel like the self-critic has a point, she just doesn’t make it very nicely. She’s currently in a coma though, so that’s just fine. And thank you!

      Comment by Rose | December 11, 2011 | Reply

  3. Congratulations, my friend. What a lovely post. I’m so happy you are nearly done–so, so happy for you. I love the way you portray the messy mix of emotions. It’s perfect. I understand. I’m sure your father would be proud!
    Kathy

    Comment by Kathryn McCullough | December 9, 2011 | Reply

    • I’m really glad that messiness came through (for more than one of you even), because that’s definitely what it was! Thanks so much for your support and understanding. It means so much.

      Comment by Rose | December 11, 2011 | Reply

  4. You’ve made me cry, Your Dad a wonderful man, he would of been crying for his little girl WHO did this! YOU DID THIS.
    (almost)
    I feel the pride as he would/does.. and I love you. LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE, give you my last rolo, lay out my jacket over a puddle, listen to The Hip back in the day when I hated them.. LOVE YOU.
    You deserve every celebration pop ahead of you, or dinner, or whatever you damn well chose to celebrate.
    I can’t wait to see you. You know this.
    Cheeses.
    Forever Flexing.

    Comment by Katie Chipman | December 10, 2011 | Reply

    • 🙂 You’re a lover alright. I might take you up on that rolo over the holidays. And I hope I really made you cry, I’d be impressed with that!

      Comment by Rose | December 11, 2011 | Reply

  5. This is beautiful. It’s so funny how we are always so quick to compliment others, but not to appreciate our own accomplishments. I’m sure your dad would be proud!

    Comment by lifeandothermisadventures | December 20, 2011 | Reply

    • It’s so true. And thank you. Though I’ve recently come to realize that not everybody gives their compliments sincerely (gasp!), especially online. Why one would bother to say anything, when it’s so easy to be a passive observer online is beyond me. I don’t like to be too over the top with others because it stops seeming genuine. Ideally I’d like to be gently critical and genuinely complimentary.

      Comment by Rose | December 20, 2011 | Reply

  6. […] Woman Recovers in Vegas from Assault by Arizona Desert, about my near-death experience,  and Not quite speechless, about finishing school, come in a close […]

    Pingback by 7 Ways to Leave Your Lover Wondering What You’ve Been Doing with Your Time « Waste not, want more | January 5, 2012 | Reply


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