Waste not, want more

No variations on a theme.

Still Working on the End

I have been longing to do a well-considered, well-composed succinct and inspirational post of my hopes and dreams for 2012. I know you too have been waiting with bated breath. But, it’s not happening. My hopes and dreams for 2012 will remain unknown even to me and buried with hopes and dreams for other years passed. We spent a long week at home. It was busy, full of moments, fun and exhausting. Every day felt like a week. I got sick. I did little. I had fun. I talked with nephews. I didn’t sleep well. The reading and introspection that I somehow thought I would manage did not happen.

I’m still sick, which may be why I don’t feel renewed. I’m clinging to 2011. I want to close it off and start the new year now that I am at home, my way, but am not sure what that would be. The New Year bell has gone unrung. I’m standing in Times Square trying to figure out what to do when the ball drops unaware that life has marched ahead. Alas, the year has started without me. As always, I have about 300 things I want to do. Aside from eating and catching up on blogs, I am doing none of them. Look at me go.

And so, I have no beginning of year pearls of wisdom. I have no resolutions, themes or goals. I plan to survive. I hope that by the end of 2012 I know what I am working towards in the years to come. But I don’t expect to know. Mine is a winding road the next few years. The sort of road that has few signs, but occasionally provides veiled encouragement. A Sunday drive sort of road. I may be tempted to pull over and picnic, camping out in a spot of comfort while my body races. I may be entirely wrong.

In this puddle of doubt, I am unsure what to say about the upcoming year. Today, I’m thinking of a few things:

  • Health. This year may bring me either more or less time at a desk. I’m unsure and I may have little control over it. What I can control is what I do with that time away from the desk. I would like to get my lower back to a happier place.
  • Acceptance. I’d like to accept when things are not awesome, rather than blaming myself for failing to turn non-awesome into awesome and rather than telling myself that I’m just not trying hard enough to be awesome. I don’t understand what I mean by this yet.
  • Writing. My plans to interview my mom and aunt were somewhat derailed. I move into the next phase of life earlier than originally thought, my aunt was unwell, I was sick and did not have the energy. Blah, blah. I did manage some spontaneous recording of my mom on New Year’s Day though. A welcome gift. I gained some insight into her perspectives on dating and marriage that are rather hilarious. I left for the holidays thinking I would either gather a bunch of interview material that I would use to start this new writing project or that I would pick up on an old project. I’ve decided to pick up the old project. Step 1 is to reread what I have so far and set some goals. I’ll post once I’ve gotten that far.
  • Giving. I am constantly stunted about what I should do with my life because I am obsessed with the idea that my work has to be mainly about giving. All kinds of people see their work as giving work. I don’t consider them wrong. I have done giving work before in one way or another. But I have never felt like I am giving enough. Others give outside of their professional life, they donate, they give their time or expertise, they unite people. Me? I think about giving. This obsession is paralyzing. It deems everything inadequate. It leaves me drooling in a corner, satisfied by nothing. It is not a motivator.

Quite a barrelful of thoughts for the upcoming year.

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January 3, 2012 - Posted by | Hypotheticals, Self-reflection, Writing | , ,

8 Comments »

  1. Hang in there, my friend. You will figure all of this out in due time. Sorry to hear you were sick over the holiday. That sucks!

    Can’t wait to hear more about the old writing project you’re going to be picking back up.

    Hugs,
    Kathy

    Comment by Kathryn McCullough | January 3, 2012 | Reply

    • Thanks, Kathy. I’m a little scared and a lot excited to look at it myself. But I look forward to writing about writing. 🙂

      Comment by Rose | January 3, 2012 | Reply

  2. Hey Rose! It sounds like we are both in a similar sort of stewing funk, even though the ingredients of our particular circumstances are somewhat different. (Look at me, pulling lame metaphors out like nobody’s business!)

    Being sick just makes everything else on your plate seem that much for heavy and daunting. I think that your “Acceptance” bullet point will come in handy here. I’m OK, You’re OK kind of thing…

    Sorry that you weren’t able to undertake the interviews on your trip back home, but maybe this old writing project needs your attention a little bit more right now? Good luck with everything and keep your chin up. New Year’s is overrated, anyway. 😉

    Comment by Dana | January 3, 2012 | Reply

    • Thanks so much, Dana. Let’s stew together! I think you’re right about acceptance; I just have to figure out the how a bit more. And it would appear that I’m on the mend, but this cold is sure taking its time.

      Comment by Rose | January 4, 2012 | Reply

  3. Bah. Forgot to click “notify me of comments”. Ignore extraneous comment here. 🙂

    Comment by Dana | January 3, 2012 | Reply

  4. I love the imagery of the New Year’s ball – I can relate to that feeling of standing still. We tend to put so much pressure on ourselves at the beginning of the year. I’ve found though that the biggest changes happen with small, almost imperceptible steps towards a goal. Looking forward to reading more of your writing this year!

    Comment by faultlessfinish | January 4, 2012 | Reply

    • It’s true. We definitely can’t put too much stock in the New Year. The pressure to renew can be almost as big as the pressure to do something entirely awesome. I suppose I’m used to being home for the New Year and controlling my tiny rituals of closure and beginning. I also love new beginnings, probably a little too much.

      Comment by Rose | January 4, 2012 | Reply

  5. Love

    Comment by Katie Chipman | January 5, 2012 | Reply


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